-- A transcript taken from Pastor Buster Lupo's sermon preached last Sunday at the Forelands First Church of Hollar --
"Thou shalt cometh daily to the synagoge of The Pillar of Extreme Holiness". That is the commandment given unto us in the Book of Buster, chapter 3, verse 2. The very verse our entire religion was founded on. And also the verse that proves the rest of the world spells "synagoge" wrong. *Pause for audience laughter*
Oho, no, but seriously. Why would The Pillar want us to come... DAILY? No, but really... think about it, man. Most other religions only meet like, one day a week? Two if they're lucky? But us Hollarers, we meet daily. We go above and beyond. This simply proves that we are the one true religion! *Pause for Holla's from the crowd*
In the next verse, the writer, Valkinsel, says here, "There, shalt thou offer a sacrifice of blood, of wealth, of The Earth, and a prayer of supplication on alternating occasions". So of course this means we should come every other day and only ever throw dirt at the pillar! *Pause for laughter again* Aha, no, I was just making sure you were paying attention. No, we of course offer up these gifts on alternating occasions. Now, there has been some contention in the church of late as to what order these should be in. There are those who believe you should alternate through all four exactly as written in the text. We call these the Purists. There are those who believe it doesn't matter what order you do them in, as long as you do all four on different days. We called these the Modernists. And then there are those who believe they can choose to alternate through only two or three tasks and skip out on the rest. We call them crazy. *Pause for laughter*
Ohohoho. Yes, that morning coffee is finally starting to kick in, huh? Ohohoho. Of course, we subsist off of the raw power of the Holy Pillar, Holla!? *Pause for Holla's from crowd* Holla, holla indeed... So no matter what you do, be sure to bring your gifts daily (Especially the wealth one). After all, as it says in the next section, "Only then shalt thou be saved and the Great Pillar satisfied". Holla. Let's close in prayer.
Oh, great and holy PILLAR dude. Holla to you. Great and mighty is your power. Please forgiveth us our sins when we don't bring our required, obligatory gifts to you daily. For we know not what we do. Holla.
Have a blessed day, friends. And I'll see you tomorrow for the church potluck!!! Rhonda's bringing her famous casserole~! And don't worry, there will, as always, be PLENTY of Kool-aid!